New Beginnings

I find myself in a unique position. I am 55, reasonable intelligent and been told not to bad on the eyes...actually it was I was not to shabby..and that is from someone who's opinion I respect. Well read, okay conversationalist, can carry the ball in most areas. I like good food, good beer, good company, most kinds of music. Not much of a tv watcher but there can be exceptions to that. I consider myself a good friend..loyal to the end and then some. Accepting of peoples flaws as well as their strengths. Sometimes stubborn but usually not unreasonable. Don't like to fight, either verbally or physically, but back me into a corner and I am going to defend myself. Somewhat shy, but not enough to stay home all the time. I leave the limelight to those that need it. I fit in most anywhere, tend to be a casual guy..if you find a denim jacket that has a frayed collar and sleeves, a ballcap with a worn brim, I will prob be inside them, but when I have to I clean up well. I just went out, well 5 weeks ago and bought 20 pair of jeans, 4 bags of underwear, several bags of socks so I will have them..my way of saying I hate to shop. I have in the past made rash decisions and most turned out okay. Usually I think things through before I make a decision. Level headed, slow to anger, team player.
Until recently pretty grounded, the one that people called when they needed advise, a place to stay, a loan, help moving.
I now find myself alone in the world and its kind of weird. With the exception of a grown son that lives halfway around the world and some 2nd or 3rd cousins I have no relatives. Due to a responsibility I had until recently I let most of my friends slip away. Some passed awsy, some moves away and some just evolved into people I no longer know.
The question/quandry/decision now is what do I do? I have no ties other than a mortage and my house is in a good market area so selling would not be a problem. Maine is where I am from, where I always come back to so in every sense it is home. I have a good job with all the perks but a chef can always find a job.
Up till now this blog has been kind of a casual whatever kinda place..now its getting personal. I have moments of sadness and loneliness. For the most part I am kind of level..not a lot of highs or lows just kind of a glide ot coast..riding with the current so to speak. Moments or clarity and then it gets cloudy. All of the things I took for granted about family and friends are gone. You know Uncle Billy is going to drink to much on Thanksgiving and embarass his wife. Ma is going to make her pecan pie with the burnt crust on Christmas. Well thats no longer a given.
People around me, the few that know whats going on are being incredibly kind and thoughful..have Christmas dinner with us, come over after work on Thanksgiving and have pie and coffee. Know one has said "man that sucks, you gonna be okay"? and that might just be whats missing.
I am a fighter and will work my way through this. I am kinda leaning on one person and thats a great help, I just hope he doesn't snap under the weight, I'm a big guy. Tried praying and that just pissed me off. Tried yelling at the walls and they ignored me. Going to see a grief councelor next week, that should be enlightening.
I prob should have titled this entry "Lost, season one" but thats been done.
Stay tuned for the rest of the saga.


Its been about 3 hours since I first posted this. I have gotten more and more pissed of about the whole situation. One thing I can guarntee, I sure as hell am not going to curl up in a ball, give up and wait to die. FUCK THAT.